Archive for the ‘travel’ Category

Colombia’s Equalizer Persistent Slip-On Lifestyle

August 15, 2019

Colombia is a country filled with people not living in the shadow of their ancestors; this country has a large number of English academies desperate for gringo teachers and youth hostels that charge $10USD per night. This is where B Ward takes the stakes to a new level as he pursues a Colombian woman he met online.

Read Safety Third : Colombia, the book about a throwback tourist who rises from his emotional ashes and becomes Capitan Clutch

#colombia #bogota #travellingcolombia #informationColombia #backpackingcolombia #destinationcolombia #expatcolombia #servicesColombia #tipscolombia #whattodocolombia #traveltipsColombia #weekendtipscolombia #allaboutcolombia #everythingaboutcolombia #toknowcolombia #enjoycolombia #tripscolombia #heritagecolombia #citiescolombia #natureColombia #hikingcolombia #visitorscolombia #touristcolombia #unknowncolombia #everythingyouwanttoknowaboutcolombia
#bestofcolombia #freeinformationcolombia
#unknowncolombia #hollidaycolombia #vacationcolombia #blutulipscolombia #planningcolombia #explorecolombia #toknowcolombia #visitingcolombia #backgroundcolombia #culturecolombia #sportscolombia #foodcolombia #fruitcolombia #legendscolombia #peoplecolombia

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Hiding From Life

August 15, 2019

🗻Many people dream of going on a great travel adventure. Most keep dreaming, you make it happen! 🇨🇴Middle-aged and reckless, this dimestore shrink shakes up the Colombian dating scene with his provocative, pop-inspired tips on finding love in strange places. This is a true adventure story about a gringo who goes to Colombia in pursuit of a woman he met online.Read Safety Third : Colombia, the book about a throwback tourist who rises from his emotional ashes and becomes Capitan Clutch#natgeo #booklarderauthortalk #usatoday #bbctravel #WritingCommunity @bbctravel #bookstagram
#passportlife #facebook #booksthatchangedmylife

3 Rules of the Road Scholar

August 13, 2019

1) Less baggage = less worry
2) Don’t plan everything – You’ll be more relaxed and less worried
3) Be polite, nobody wants to cheat/rob a nice Road Scholar

🇨🇴

Middle-aged and reckless, this dimestore shrink shakes up the Colombian dating scene with his provocative, pop-inspired tips on finding love in strange places. This is a true adventure story about a gringo who goes to Colombia in pursuit of a woman he met online.

Read Safety Third : Colombia, the book about a throwback tourist who rises from his emotional ashes and becomes Capitan Clutch

#natgeo #colombiatravel #usatoday #bbctravel #blogtravel @bbctravel #Disney
#passportlife #facebook #redboxprojectuk

30 Minute Colombian Biceps

July 31, 2019

As the gringo stumbles through life in Colombia, he’ll have to navigate an increasingly complex world of twitter feeds, a 31% body mass index, neck beards, mood swings, people with smoker’s coughs, call waiting, Facebook friend requests, lack of tipping in restaurants…….all of this while covering his wallet!😉Dwarfed by Colombia’s superior way of living, an albino observer pauses during a journey back from the brink…
🇨🇴Middle-aged and reckless, this dimestore shrink shakes up the Colombian dating scene with his provocative, pop-inspired tips on finding love in strange places. This is a true adventure story about a gringo who goes to Colombia in pursuit of a woman he met online.Read Safety Third : Colombia, the book about a throwback tourist who rises from his emotional ashes and becomes Capitan Clutch#natgeo #colombiancupid #hulu #foxtv #colombiatravel #usatoday #getaway #blogtravel #wanderluster #Disney
#passportlife #facebook #redboxprojectuk

International Film Star in Colombia

July 27, 2019

I went to another audition for a movie and just happened to run into Manning. There was some good news for the kid, he finally got a girlfriend. I pressed him for details. He originally met her at a party but never got her number. “When she saw me on the other side of the street a month later, she recognized me but forgot my name. So, instead of yelling Manning, she yelled across the street, ‘Tanning.’ We then went on a few dates and she confessed that she had been denied a US visa and was almost 20 years older than me. I then moved into her apartment that was being used as a kennel for Bogota’s most neglected dogs. Neither us of have any money, so we eat hot dogs and rice for every meal. She is probably disappointed she picked the one American with less money than here to start a relationship.”Before the audition we talked about other crazy Americans who were in Bogota.“Did you meet Martin from New Jersey?” I asked Manning.“No, who is he?”“This guy is a monster truck driver in the United States. Martin met a guy in Vegas who convinced him to bring his trucks down and race in Colombia. So, he shipped four trucks down here to Colombia to join the racing circuit down here. The problem is when he got down here he realized the guy who shipped the trucks down put them in his own name and refused to give them up. So, what Martin did was he went to court and won. He got back the title to the trucks but had to pay $40,000USD worth of storage and shipping charges to get the trucks back. When he got back to the US he realized only two of the trucks had actually been shipped back so he came back to Colombia to get the other two trucks. When he went to file a claim he was shown a shipping receipt verifying that all 4 trucks had been received at La Guardia Airport. He has been down here for over a year and is trying to find his trucks. I think he is considering vigilante justice.”“Where did you meet this guy?”“Last week we did a taping of the Parabola of Pablo Escobar, and he had several stories to tell ranging from the time his brother climbed an electrical tower, getting seriously electrocuted and thrown off the tower, to the fourteen years he worked as a male stripper and gigolo. My favorite story was the time when he was emptying his motor home’s septic system and the valve sprung a leak and he got covered in a mess and then had to get about 30 vaccination shots afterwards. Nowadays he says he lives on $50USD a week and only eats once a day.”Not wanting to be outdone, Manning started to tell me about a former work partner of his who had gone on trial for the murder of his wife and Manning had been summoned back to Alabama to testify against him.“Is he guilty?”“He actually told me he was planning on killing his wife. I went with him to buy several tons of concrete. He told me it was for a new driveway but it turns out the police excavated the driveway and found his wife’s body underneath the driveway,” replied Manning.“Why did he do it?”“My work partner was really old, fat and stayed at home all day. His wife was ten years younger than him and beautiful. His wife talked him into them both having an open relationship. He agreed. The next thing he knows she met some guy from Mississippi on Craigslist and moved in with the guy. He went down to her new boyfriend’s house and brought her back and then killed her.”“You have to go back to Alabama and testify?”“They are offering me a free ticket for a week if I go back, but I don’t really want to testify against my old work partner. It is a small town and he has some friends that might come for me. I guess moving to Colombia was the best thing that could have happened to me. I also have a business idea for you. Do you know how hard it would be for me to get a new passport?”“Why, are you thinking about selling yours?”“Yeah, a friend down here says he will buy my passport from me for $5,000USD.”“What did you tell him?”“I told him I would …… 🇨🇴Middle-aged and reckless, this passionate blogger shakes up the Colombian dating scene with his provocative, pop-inspired tips on finding love in strange places. This is a true adventure story about a Dimestore Shrink who goes to Colombia in pursuit of a woman he met online.Read Safety Third : Colombia, the book about a throwback tourist who rises from his emotional ashes and becomes Capitan Clutch#natgeo #coffee #hulu #foxtv #20thcentury #usatoday #getaway #blogtravel @90daydumpsterfire #wanderluster #Disney
#passportlife #facebook #redbox

The Sun Is Touching Me

July 18, 2019
My 1 experience with this band was in 1998 in Chico, Ca at the Brick Works. I was 21 and had never been to a bar before. As soon as the band came on, people started punching the walls and dub-stepping. I hid underneath a staircase for the next 2 hours, while a 50 year old lady tried to buy me beers. 20 years later, I listened to this CD all the way thru and can finally appreciate having been at that concert.

😉Dwarfed by a superior way of living, an albino observer pauses during a journey back from the brink…
🇨🇴Middle-aged and reckless, this dimestore shrink shakes up the Colombian dating scene with his provocative, pop-inspired tips on finding love in strange places. This is a true adventure story about a gringo who goes to Colombia in pursuit of a woman he met online.Read Safety Third : Colombia, the book about a throwback tourist who rises from his emotional ashes and becomes Capitan Clutch#natgeo #colombiancupid #hulu #foxtv #colombiatravel #usatoday #getaway #blogtravel #wanderluster #Disney
#passportlife #facebook #redboxprojectuk

Love In A Time of Facebook

June 27, 2019


TLC Network (@TLC) Tweeted:
Things are about to get a whole lot more unruly! The scandals and feuds continue when the first-ever #90DayFiance inspired book debuts on Amazon.com 🇨🇴Middle-aged and reckless, this dimestore shrink shakes up the Colombian dating scene with his provocative, pop-inspired tips on finding love in strange places. This is a true adventure story about a gringo who goes to Colombia in pursuit of a woman he met online.Read Safety Third : Colombia, the book about a throwback tourist who rises from his emotional ashes and becomes Capitan Clutch#natgeo #colombiancupid #hulu #foxtv #colombiatravel #usatoday #getaway #blogtravel #wanderluster #Disney
#passportlife #facebook #redboxprojectuk

Feelings and Dealings: The Snapchat Guide to Mastering Romance and Emotions in Colombia

June 26, 2019

Before coming to Colombia, I myself, decided to go online and look for a girlfriend.
“Our South American tour to Colombia is an unforgettable experience that may very well change your life forever. You will be introduced to literally hundreds of stunning women from Cartagena, as well as other surrounding Colombian cities. Why Colombian women? They just so happen to be some of the most beautiful, genuine, and sincere women in the world. These women are extremely friendly, warm and sincerely looking for someone with whom they can build a serious relationship. No matter how much we try to prepare the men who attend our Cartagena romance tours, they are always overwhelmed by these very special women.”
This is the hook introduction to the Colombian section of an internet site that specializes in romance tours all over the world. With tour packages starting at $1695USD, this might be a great way to justify taking a nine-day trip to Cartagena, or, this may be a south-of-the-border hail mary for middle-aged divorcees, who have been looking for love in all the wrong places. My personal opinion is, that if you are going to get into a serious relationship and possibly marriage, you might as well double down and come start a relationship in Colombia. With the divorce rate hovering around 50-60% in most of the English-speaking countries, it is probably a safer bet to search out a relationship with a foreign, non-English speaking person than risk marrying someone from your own national origin.
The $1,700USD tour is pretty impressive and well thought out. For your money, you are given two fully catered, special invitation, large socials. These are basically ballroom parties that take place in the same hotel that the tour has booked you into. Of course, there will be many intelligent and beautiful women there to meet, as well as probably a few women who fall into other categories. The tour also includes hotel accommodations in Cartagena, unlimited personal introductions, complimentary interpreters (provided at all socials), airport pickup as well as 24-hour hospitality and guidance from the website staff.
For the rest of us (people who don’t have $1,700USD to spend), there are dozens, if not hundreds, of websites specializing in meeting Colombian and Latin American singles. The one that is most familiar to me is ColombianCupid.com. This website is free to use if you just want to see who is on the website. If you click on “advanced search,” on the portal page, you are instantly presented with a two-paged form that helps you best search for romance, based on your own criteria. Say for example, you would like to meet a 30 to 35-year old woman, living in Bogota, with a profile photo, who is searching for romance/dating/marriage, speaks some English, has a bachelor’s degree and is willing to relocate to another country. After hitting search, there are over 1,000 profiles that come cascading down your screen (in order of which members are most active on the site).
I wanted a girl who lived in Bogota, because I figured that Bogota would have the highest concentration of women who had a good education, spoke neutral Spanish and had were most used to dealing with foreigners.
After viewing several hundred profiles of girls online, I decided to spend the $25 for one month and start emailing the girls I was attracted to. I was careful to upload of photo of me with a hat on, covering up my high forehead.
Once I got registered, a standard question I was asked by the female members on ColombianCupid.com was, “What is your job?”
I always made a point of answering this question the following way, “I paint fences for a living.” No matter what your employment status is, the best strategy is to never to make yourself sound rich or important. This is a highly effective way to reduce the number women emailing you who are just looking for a sugar daddy.
If the girl was still emailing me after she found out I was a fence painter, I would start asking her questions about herself. My opening line to all the girls was pretty bad. I asked them all the same question, “How do you like Shakira?” If the girl responded, “What kind of crazy question was that?” I figured I would have to scratch her from the list. If the girl responded, “I really like Shakira,” I figured we were off to a good start. I would then ask more random questions like, “Tell me about a time in your life when you did something embarrassing,” and, once again if the girl asked, “What kind of question is this?” I would scratch her from the list. I ended up chatting with a lot of interesting girls who told great stories about getting dumped in elevators or falling down stairs at church. I quickly had a group of about 10 girls from Bogota, who I was chatting with five times a week. And, because there were so many Bogota profiles of single women, I could also eliminate all the women who weren’t smiling in their photos, had visible tattoos, had their underwear showing, too much cleavage hanging out (this means that they are either overeager or possibly using someone else’s photo) or were on the verge of black-out drunk. I spent probably a solid 80 hours on the site during my first month of membership. I soon had a solid list of three girls I was emailing at least five times a week.
There was one girl in particular (let’s call her Ms. Barragan), who I really wanted to chat with, but, she didn’t respond to any of my emails. I was nervous about one specific email I sent which I went into some pretty specific details of my obsession with Shakira. This email, might have made me sound like a stalker. This infamous email went as follows:
“Since seeing her 2004 DVD entitled Live and Off the Record I have been an admirer and have had a crush on Shakira. In this DVD, not only did she speak for the rights of 3,000,000 children in Colombia who don’t attend school, she also gave a great concert for her fans in Rotterdam. Shakira doesn’t see herself as being above her band, so she actually tours on the same bus with her group and hangs out with the other band members, even though she could have her own bus if she wanted one. She also held true to her fans in Colombia by insisting on doing a concert in Baranquilla, Colombia, even though it wouldn’t make her any money. Her promoters also warned her about talking about politics in her concert, but she held true to her values and put up a puppet show of Bush and Saddam fighting over the world oil supply on the projection screen while she performed on stage. Not only does Shakira refuse to be censored, she has also made it a priority by sticking up for the rights of people who can’t defend themselves (poor children).”
As luck would have it, after my fourth email to Ms. Barragan (and one marriage proposal) she finally responded. Her message seemed like probably she couldn’t understand any of my Spanish, which….

P

lease view/share the book “Safety Third: Colombia” by Brian Ward on Amazon.

#colombia #bogota #venezuela #90dayfiance #falcao #medellin #mexico #argentina #colombiancupid #cali #nationalgeographic #garciamarquez #culture #travel #colombian #amazon #caracas #botero #chile #colombiatravel #panama #elpibe #vamoscolombia #cartagena #brasil #gabriel garcia marquez #travelwriting #vergara #elgabo #barranquilla #valderrama #shakira #esl #hurricane #idefineme #learnspanish #southamerica #sofiavergara #workabroad #hostel @48million #tarantino #rcn #caracol #mountmonserrate

🇨🇴

Middle-aged and reckless, this dimestore shrink shakes up the Colombian dating scene with his provocative, pop-inspired tips on finding love in strange places. This is a true adventure story about a gringo who goes to Colombia in pursuit of a woman he met online.

Read Safety Third : Colombia, the book about a throwback tourist who rises from his emotional ashes and becomes Capitan Clutch

#natgeo #colombiancupid #hulu #foxtv #colombiatravel #usatoday #getaway #blogtravel #wanderluster #Disney
#passportlife #facebook #redboxprojectuk

Things best learned on an empty stomach…..

June 6, 2019


In the eyes of Raul Cuero’s high school basketball coach, everybody is born with one particular attribute. And, according to Raul Cuero’s coach, Raul would never be anything more than a big and burly guy who could play sports. Why would anyone expect anything else from a guy whose grandmother couldn’t even speak Spanish. Here was a 109-year old woman who had lived in Buenaventura, Colombia her whole life and still could only speak an African language that wasn’t spoken by many people in Buenaventura. The change of house and language did provide Raul with a break from the regimented household of his parents.
Living in Buenaventura in the 1950’s makes Steinbeck’s Oklahoma dust bowl in Grapes of Wrath set during the Great Depression look like Melrose Place. In Buenaventura, during the 1950’s, 30% of all children died before the age of 10, due to parasites, malaria and other tuberculosis. Of those who did survive, only 30% of them would ever learn how to read or write. The only black people who ever left Buenaventura were the coffers and truck drivers. Buenaventura, like many other parts of Latin America, depended on the assistance of the USA. So, school children like Raul enjoyed the cheese that was sent to Colombia by the Alliance for Progress program in the USA. In addition to the cheese, powered milk was also shipped to Buenaventura for the poor school children. Unfortunately, once the powered milk was mixed with the unsanitized local water, the milk became undrinkable. So the people adapted. Instead, the people would mix the USDA cheese with the powered milk and created a kind of “jungle yogurt,” called Kumis that school children like Raul enjoyed very much. Interesting enough, Kumis happened to be very nutritious and had a high protein content.
In addition to Kumis, many school children (including Raul) in Buenaventura, would eat natural products; such as guava, mangos, banana and others fruits that they collected from food markets (galleria) and/or from the nearby tropical forest. And the minority of the other kids with a slightly better economic situation used to buy a “bonbon” for their school break. Not wanting to miss out on a chocolate “bonbon,” Raul used to do the homework for the “rich” kinds in exchange for a “bonbon.”
When Raul finished school, he would hang out with a Pastuso auto mechanic who saw promise in the boy and taught him to work on carburetors and weld radiators.
Despite his two jobs, Raul still didn’t have extra money to go to the movies or buy comic books. Instead, Raul actually spent most of his afternoons in the hut of his great grandmother who was over 100. Raul’s great grandmother, Petrona, was even poorer than Raul’s mother and father. Despite there being not much food around, the house was always filled Raul’s aunties who provided plenty of laughs and happiness.
Instead of toys, Raul had to use his creativity to find something to occupy his time. So, instead of playing with toys, he observed the roaches on the floor in the hut of his great grandmother as a way to fill his time. He observed them so often that he learned that during the hottest times of the day 11am-3pm, the roaches would actually disappear into the holes in the hut. When they came back out at 4pm, Raul, full of joy would celebrate their arrival and continue observing them. Through observation, he learned that there were more roaches in his great grandma’s hut than in his wood and brick house. The reason for this, Raul learned one day while watching a roach eat the bamboo in his great grandmother’s hut. He learned that day that roaches need wood (which contains cellulose) to survive.
Raul’s family, seemingly, was very similar to the other families in Buenaventura. His father used to work on the docks, loading and unloading cargo from the ships. And later, he worked as a seamen for the main shipping company. Despite Raul’s father’s modest income, his father was able to build his own house in Buenaventura. Raul’s father was the first black man in Buenaventura to have his own house. At the beginning, the house was made of wood only, and was later made into a combination of brick and wood. The house took his father 40 years to build and there was more than one night when Raul didn’t eat because his father used the grocery money to buy bricks instead. Determination and resiliency are qualities Raul learned with any empty stomach.
The completed house, actually caused quite a bit of resentment from his neighbors. So much so, the neighbors would actually walk up to the house at night and spit on the ground around the house as a way to curse the Raul’s family for having the nerve to build their own home.
As a 7-year old boy, Raul would wake up every morning at 4 am to study, play basketball and bring the family his its morning breakfast from the neighborhood bread maker. Raul would then go to school. It was during the times after school that Raul has his fondest memories, from his childhood. These times were spent walking with his elderly great grandmother and picking herbs to be used as remedies for many different ailments. These walks stimulated Raul’s interest in plants and inventing things that would make people more health.
On other afternoons, Raul would hang around the Buenaventura docks where he would search through the piles of rubbish looking for magazines and books. It was during one of these visits when he found his most enduring memento of the USA in the form a dime that was sitting on the dock. He couldn’t believe his luck, in a town as poor as Buenaventura, no many people had the luxury of misplacing ten cents. He held on to this coin and made a plan to one day spend it in the USA.
When not observing roaches, searching through the rubbish for books or welding radiators, Raul would play soccer with the neighborhood kids. Until one day when his brother was kicked in the leg and suffered a deep cut from a metal soccer cleat. Regrettably for Raul’s family, the soccer cleat was tainted with tetanus and Raul’s brother died shortly there after. It was at this point when his family banned Raul from playing soccer. Instead of playing soccer, he switched to basketball. And, due to his size and hard work he excelled. At age 17, he became a member of the Colombian National Basketball Team.
Raul then made the decision to then focus on academics instead of sports. He decided to study at Universidad del Valle in Cali, which at that time was one of the best universities in Latin America in academics. It was at the university where Raul met a visiting professor of plant physiology, Percy Lily. Lily was so impressed by Raul’s his first discovery, which was in plants. He successfully found a way to raise a parasitic plant without its host. Raul really didn’t have much time to sit around at home., that he offered Raul an academic scholarship to Heidelberg University in Ohio, USA. He would finally be able to reunite his American coin with its original home, but more importantly he would be able to continue his work in plant pathology (the study of plant diseases caused by infectious organisms and environmental factors) and show that a poor Afro-Colombian basketball player from a obscure South American city could be a valuable part of the scientific community. Or as Raul Cuero likes to put it, “It is good to be good.”
Despite the fact the United States was suffering from widespread racially-fueled violence due in part to the assassination of Dr. Martin Luther King, Raul never felt threatened by racism.
To the contrary, there were many Goodwill Hunting moments where Raul was actually able to entertain and impress his fellow students and teachers with his vast knowledge. He found that many of the students were very respectful and even more willing make friends and interact with him than what he expected.
Raul obtained his Bachelor of Science from Heidelberg University in Biology and “For the first time, I finally felt like I was going to make it,” recounts Raul. One day, while at Heidelberg University, his entire class was given a question to solve. The question had to do with the concentration of a molecule. As soon as the question was given, Raul looked around the room as all his fellow students took out their calculators and began working on the problem. Raul didn’t have a calculator because he couldn’t afford one. So he just sat there in a stupor, wondering what to do. Finally the teacher looked over at Raul and asked, “Cuero, do you understand?”

🇨🇴

Middle-aged and reckless, this dimestore shrink shakes up the Colombian dating scene with his provocative, pop-inspired tips on finding love in strange places. This is a true adventure story about a gringo who goes to Colombia in pursuit of a woman he met online.

Read Safety Third : Colombia, the book about a throwback tourist who rises from his emotional ashes and becomes Capitan Clutch

#natgeo #colombiancupid #hulu #foxtv #colombiatravel #usatoday #getaway #blogtravel #wanderluster #Disney
#passportlife #facebook #redboxprojectuk

#Fear, Twitter and an Interrogation Room

May 30, 2019

img_20190114_183013_459522216544.jpg

I randomly called up my old hotel job in Florida. Luckily the guy who answered the phone in reception was a familiar voice. I quickly converted into Jerky Boys mode and pretended I was a hotel guest.

“I asked for 6 Löwenbräu Light beers in my room last night. When are you bringing my six beers over?” I said to Anthony Carnazzo.

He had a fleeting moment of uncertainly. He asked me to repeat my request.

“Do you speak French?” was my reply.

“No sir, I am just having a little problem understanding you,” answered Anthony.

“Ok, we are going to do this in English. I met you on the golf course yesterday and we spent half an hour talking about how you were going to help me draft a letter to my ex-wife to try and get my child support payments reduced. Are you saying I made the whole thing up?”

“….uh, are you sure that was me?”

“Listen guy, I was up until 11pm last night waiting for you to bring me my beers. I had to drink my mouthwash. Are you coming up with the beers or not?”

“Ward, is that you?”

“Doh! Foiled again. What’s up Carnazzo? How many women have you kissed in the last 6 months?”

“Around 6, but I have regretted kissing all of them.”

“How do you feel about Ron Artest’s 2011 playoff season with Los Angeles?” I loved to bring up Artest because Anthony had seen Artest play high school basketball against his high school team in the late 1990’s. Even then, everyone was talking about how much a of legend the guy was. During the game that Anthony watched, Artest actually threw a chair at the referee.

“You mean Metta World Peace?” Anthony replied.

“Yes.”

“He got thrown out of Game 2 against the Mavericks after close-lining JJ Barea with 26 seconds to go. Phil Jackson still doesn’t get it. When the Lakers are losing big at the end of a game you must take out Metta World Peace (Artest) because he gets very frustrated at the end of losing games,” replied Anthony. “If Phil Jackson doesn’t do it the referees will do it for him.”

“Have you worked on any new poems?”

“Yeah, let me read you a few, I am at the desk but nobody is here and I have my notebook. First one:

14 years old and in deep infatuation
I stared at her picturing our life, our wedding, our kids
We would be happy
I garnered all my courage, I dug down deep
I told her how I felt
She tried to let me down gently, trying to tell me how great and special I was as she informed me that she liked my best friend
I begrudgingly set them up
We all chilled as my stomach was in more knots than a rope on a sailing vessel
She brought along her homely friend, what a quartet we made
We went to the movies
I was holding 64 oz pack of Starburst
She asked me for a red one
I removed about a third of the gross of reds
Threw them on the floor
Revenge is sweet.

“Nice job, you showed her,” cheering the kid.

“Mosher is here, do you want to talk to him?”

“Put him on.”

“This is Mosher.”

“Are you in charge of beach volleyball?”

“Yes, is there a problem?”

“What time does it start?”

“Every day at 10.30am.”

“I showed up there at 10.30am and the lines weren’t set. I waited a half hour, but nobody showed up. Then, I go around the corner and find your man Teddy is by the pool rubbing down some Mexican girl’s buttocks.”

“Well, Sir . . . I . . . I am sorry . . . . Uh . . . .”

“Yeah, and whose job is it to keep the water cooler filled by the basketball court?”

“Is this Brian? Why did you drop me from your friends list on Facebook?”

“Listen, is Club Intrepid Bay paying you to be on Facebook all day or to run the sports at Sandpiper Bay? According to Anthony, you are getting more tush than a toilet seat down there.”

“Where are you calling from?”

“I can’t say the name of where I am, but you know where I am.”

“Are you on a Colombian pay phone or what?”

“Not even, I am on a Chinese Blackberry with two SIM card slots.”

“I am surprised you finally bought a cell phone. You should come back here to Florida and help me pass out towels to the guests.”

“Well, we will have to see, at the moment I know a girl here in Colombia who is helping me with my confidence problem.”

“All right bud, stay in contact.”

“There are two kinds of people in this life: talkers and doers. I think we all know which category you fall into.”

“Thanks,” replied Mosher.

“Brian?”

“Hi Anthony…have you talked with your dark girlfriend recently?”

“I called her once, I think she realized that I am un-handsome.”

“I gotta clean my bathroom here, can you hit me with one last poem?” I asked Anthony Carnazzo.

Soft a cookie fresh
Out the oven
Vital organs exposed
Tears wash the sad away
Twenty-something boy’s manhood is not a number
But an accumulation of pain, toil and self-sufficiency
As years pass we become more spineless
No draft, No epic wars
Just internal battles that we are losing one bunker at a time
Rap videos pulling guns, doing crimes
These fantasies evaporate in the interrogation room
Sweat before the lights turned on
If a squirrel ran up your leg he would starve

“Thanks bud, remember that time when you and I had lunch with the mother and son after the son had a few beers?”

“Which time?” asked Anthony Carnazzo.

“You’re right, we have had many meals together. We were having lunch with a mother and son, the son was getting progressively more drunk at the meal and every time the son asked what I did for a living back home, you would tell him that I danced with snakes for a living. Each time you talked about dancing with snakes, he started to become happier and happier. Then, the son got up to grab another beer from the restaurant and his mother started to yell at him to slow his drinking pace. Clearly frustrated with his mom, he turned to us and explained that the reason they were having such a rough time was that his father, her husband, had passed away only 7 weeks earlier. Then you ask, ‘How old was your father when he died?’ Then he replied, ‘48.’ Then you say, ‘You can’t replace 48 years of memories in 7 weeks, nor can you replace 48 years of memories in 2 years, nor can you replace 48 years of memories in 5 years. The next……
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Middle-aged and reckless, this dimestore shrink shakes up the Colombian dating scene with his provocative, pop-inspired tips on finding love in strange places. This is a true adventure story about a gringo who goes to Colombia in pursuit of a woman he met online.

Read Safety Third : Colombia, the book about a throwback tourist who rises from his emotional ashes and becomes Capitan Clutch

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