“Our South American tour to Colombia is an unforgettable experience that may very well change your life forever. You will be introduced to literally hundreds of stunning women from Cartagena, as well as other surrounding Colombian cities. Why Colombian women? They just so happen to be some of the most beautiful, genuine, and sincere women in the world. These women are extremely friendly, warm and sincerely looking for someone with whom they can build a serious relationship. No matter how much we try to prepare the men who attend our Cartagena romance tours, they are always overwhelmed by these very special women.”
This is the hook introduction to the Colombian section of an internet site that specializes in romance tours all over the world. With tour packages starting at $1695USD, this might be a great way to justify taking a nine day trip to Cartagena or this may a south-of-the-border hail mary for divorcees addicted to online gambling. The personal opinion of this author is that if you are going to get into a serious relationship and possibly marriage, you might as well double down and come and start a relationship in Colombia. With the divorce rate hovering around 60% in most of the English-speaking countries it is probably a safer bet to search out a relationship with a foreign non-English speaking person than risk marrying someone from your own national origin.
The tour is pretty impressive and well thought out. For your money you are given two fully catered, special invitation, large socials. These are basically ballroom parties that take place in the same hotel that the tour has booked you into. Of course, there will be many intelligent and beautiful women there to meet as well as probably a few women who fall into other categories. The tour also includes hotel accommodations in Cartagena, unlimited personal introductions, complimentary interpreters provided at all socials, airport pickup as well as 24 hour hospitality and guidance from the website staff.
For the rest of us (people who don’t have $2,000USD to spend), there are dozens if not hundreds of websites specializing in meeting Colombian and Latin American singles. The one that is most familiar to this author is ColombianCupid.com. This website is free to use if you just want to see who is on the website. If you click on “advanced search” on the portal page you are instantly presented with a 2-page form that helps you best search for romance based on your own criteria. Say for example, you would like to meet a 30-35-year old woman, living in Bogotá, with a profile photo, who is searching for romance/dating/marriage, speaks some English, has a bachelors degree and is willing to relocate to another country. After hitting search there are over 1,000 profiles listed in order of which members are most active on the site.
What is the difference between single women in Bogotá vs. the rest of Colombia? Probably the average woman living in Bogotá vs. the average woman living in Sincelejo (for example) is that in Bogotá there is the highest concentration of quality education, therefore the women who live here are more likely to have a more academic background, the women in Bogotá speak neutral Spanish and on the whole, are more used to being around foreign people.
A friend of mine, who will remain nameless, can actually testify to the confidentiality of your credit card information if you decide to join ColombianCupid.com because he joined the site for 2 months last year for $45USD. A standard question you will be asked by the female members after you join and put up a profile picture is, “What is your job?”
My friend always made a point of answering this question the following way, “I paint fences for a living.” No matter what your employment status is, my friend relayed to me, this is a highly effective way to avoid meeting women looking for a sugar daddy.
Next, he started viewing the profiles of the many women on the site. If there were ever more than two girls in one photo he would always send the same email, “Which one is you in the photo?” The answer would invariably be that the girl looking for a relationship would be the least attractive of the two. So, if you are ever unsure of which woman is the one who is actually the one looking for a special friend, you can take it from my friend and his research that it will always be the least attractive one.
Because there were so many Bogotá profiles of single women, my friend could also eliminate all the women who weren’t smiling in their photos, had visible tattoos, had their underwear showing, too much cleavage hanging out (this means that either they are overeager or possibly using someone else’s photo) or were on the verge of black out drunk. My friend figured that probably the single most important characteristic he was looking for was a person who actually was happy and optimistic about the future. After narrowing the field down to about 15 profiles, he then started emailing them. He decided the best question to ask would be a subject that pretty much every Colombian had an opinion on, “Do you love Shakira?”
If the girl responded, “What kind of crazy question was that?” He figured he would have to scratch her from the list. If the girl responded, “I really like Shakira,” he figured they were off to a good start. He would then ask more random questions like, “Tell me about a time in your life when you did something embarrassing,” and once again if the girl asked, “What kind of question is this,” he would scratch her from the list. He ended up chatting with a lot of interesting women who told great stories about getting dumped in elevators or falling down the stairs at church. He quickly had a more intimate group of five women from Bogotá who he was chatting with at least five times a week. Of these five, there was also another girl named Diana (who had beautifully tan skin, thick lips and a funny little grin) who he was very smitten with but she hadn’t answered any of the three emails he had sent her. In a last ditch attempt he decided to send her the mother of all emails, “Where would you like to go on our honeymoon?” If she didn’t answer this email he would back off for fear of being accused of internet stalking.
A few days later he got a somewhat puzzling email from Diana, “Thanks for your message.” He quickly sent her back a follow-up message, “I have bought a ticket to Bogotá, I will be arriving in 2 weeks, can I have your telephone number?”
He still pretty much knew next to nothing about her except what her profile said that she was a non-smoker, a financial administrator, had a daughter, had no exposed tattoos and was interested in starting a serious relationship.
After arriving to Bogotá he went on about three different dates with women he met online, one of which he snuck out of on his way to the bathroom to avoid a massive bill that he would be expected to pay. Furthermore, none of the women seemed like they had the real desire or enough free time to start a relationship with him. A week after he had arrived to Bogota, he got another message from Diana with her telephone number.
He called her up from his hostel and he arranged to meet her in Bulevar Niza at Corral Burgers. After she paid the bill of their first meal together it was pretty much a done deal. He moved into her apartment building a few weeks later and has been in a relationship with her since July 2012. Their relationship is not perfect, they do squabble after my friend forgets to wash out the sink after doing the dishes or when he eats too many chocolate chip cookies but he has thoroughly enjoyed being accepted into her life and is very grateful that someone has come into his life who is willing to overlook the fact that his hair is falling out, he watches “Keeping Up With The Kardashians” obsessively and has very poor dish washing skills. And, probably the best part about their limited internet interactions is that he will never have to explain to her why he told her he painted fences for a living.
When the country of Peru is mentioned, one imagines a peaceful scene of an Andean alpaca grazing along an Incan stone wall. When Ecuador is brought up, we imagine a rain forest panorama of frogs jumping off branches while butterflies mate in the background. When Colombia is mentioned, we envision a post-apocalyptic city full of overturned buses, being pillaged by men in ski masks. It is obvious which country any rational person would seek to avoid while searching for an internet bride.
“48,000,000 Colombians Can’t Be Wrong” is a true adventure story about a 37-year-old socially-awkward man who decided that the best way he could deal with a life sentence of microwavable burritos and 10-hour Facebook marathons was to look online for a girlfriend in Colombia and then hop on a flight to Colombia’s capital in pursuit of a woman he has never met.
During his first month in Bogota, Brian falls in with two white, self-assured backpackers who the author describes as, “…not the kind of guys who pump the brakes before going through an uncontrolled intersection.” He is then nearly kidnapped during an encounter with a woman he met online, almost becomes business partners with a Korean man in the “diamond business” and is forced to sleep in the DVD room of his hostel due to lack of funds.
Brian quickly regroups after his first month and auditions for the part of “congressional aide” in a Colombian feature film called “Left To Die.” He then lands a job as a writer for an English-language newspaper where his first interview is with a “suspected undercover CIA agent.” Brian then gets thrown off a TV set for refusing to take off his shirt from under his police uniform. While Brian is not getting thrown off TV sets, he marvels at all the discarded construction materials Colombians throw into pot holes to lessen their depths. Because of this strategy, a bus going over one of these open trenches (full of construction materials) will occasionally sling a chest-high brick through a group of panic-stricken pedestrians.
Brian sincerely believed this trip would put him on a track towards a life of excitement, intrigue and exotic women, far from his increasing first world debt. Instead, he unexpectedly falls into a job as an extra in a Colombian soap opera, has panic attacks, watches other gringos lose their marbles and blows half his paycheck on bootlegged DVD’s. Along the journey, he chronicles his friendships, the deranged ex-pats he meets, and his struggles/triumphs, including one fateful night in a Israeli restaurant that would change his life forever.
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